From the vainest valleys of my soul, I want life to the fullest extent.
I want to stumble upon something closests to contemptment.
In all of my naievity, I want to be old and wise.
I want to be educated and I want to hold my own in this vast, disapaiting, wonderful world. But there’s this obsticle in my way, and it’s myself. I’m the only thing holding me back. I havent found the point in which to push myself to accomplish anything that I throw my way. I haven’t found the secret to self dicipline yet. Which I know is bullshit. I always state my goal, “I want to be educated and I want to hold my own”, and then I always start a ‘but’ statement explaining what the problem is and why it heavily and almost impossibly outweighs the outcome I seek. It’s my bullshit scapegoat. I’m even doing it right now. Instead of adknowledging the problem, because I’m completely aware of a majority of the problems in my life at almost all times, I should be recognizing and focusing on the solutions.
education
a best friend
pursued passions
money
I want to be a strong woman, capable of runing the world.
Who says all we have to listen to are appropriately hidden indie bands?
I started having real feelings for you towards the end of last summer. Even though I was still dating Jackson on and off. I didnt care that things weren’t settled with him, I just wanted to be close to you.
Then came fall. You became my best friend. When Heather and I had our fallout, you were there for me. You saw me at some ugly times, and stayed with me. But things were still complicated with Jackson.
The winter was harsh, and I dumped jackson for good. And you tried to sweep me off my feet, but I didnt even give you a chance. I found Dean. And I cut you out of my life, we didnt talk for a little over 2 months. It felt like forever and I missed you too much.
I even kissed you.
I had a lot of feelings for you, but I was too afraid to admit it to you. I didnt want to start anything with you after the messy breakup with jackson, because I’ve always had this feeling that things with you were serious. Which is why I dated Dean, because I knew he wasn’t serious. I guess I used him as a rebound, but honestly I’d rather the rebound was him instead of you. Because I still care about you a lot.
I had to break up with Dean, I knew it wasn’t fair to him because I still have feelings for you.
And I feel so guilty that I cut you out of my life, I hurt you. All this time you thought you did something wrong, when I was the one that fucked up big time. You even told me you started drinking because of me.
Stephen, I’m sorry I was so selfish. I hope you can forgive me. If you’d be willing to get into things again, I swear I’d do you right.
I ached over how bad I wanted to be closer to you tonight.
To be familiar and comfortable again.
I missed it.
I don’t know if you notice that I dont look at you the same, or the look I get in my eye when I look at you.
Or if you notice how difficult it is for me to really look at you now.
We laughed and it washed away a lot of the crap I’ve been feeling lately.
Im happy as a clam.
Im warm.
is it going out with a bang?
or is it calm and composed?
why did i fall in love with you, only to rush out of it so quickly?
why do you tell me that i mean so much to you, when i dont feel any warmth from you? is it a reflection of my attitude that i know you dont mean as much to me as i wish you did?
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why do i feel the way i do about you? is it because i know i cant have you, so i pine?
why did i not admit to myself that i really truely cared about you at the time when it mattered the most? does ‘too late’ actually exist for us?
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i am not dating the one i wish i was with.
and i want to do the honorable thing in this situation.
is that for me to leave behind both of the hearts i feel tied to, and start anew with someone else?
is that for me to follow my heart, and leave the one i dont feel attached to anymore, just to be with the one i want?
or is that a scheme, and not truely me following my heart?
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i know if i dont find an answer soon, this will become a new, but not foreign, battle between the heart and the head.
and that is where the ugly lies.
that is a line i am not willing to cross again.
my life has turned into a big blur recently. there’s no structure. there’s no real routine, except for my consistancy of lack of purpose, passion, and my old vivatious well-being.
my dreams are where i’ve been living lately. i dont want to wake up. i dont want to stop my brain from creating something wild and beautiful and untamed. its what i want to be able to do when i’m awake. but i cant. theres someting i just cant overcome, i dont know what its going to take to push me out of this semi-permanent rut i’ve fallen into.
i have no creativity. and without creativity, i am pointless.
i am a soul and i am stuck in this body. it feels like the two aren’t meant to be together. it’s a sad and uncomfortable feeling.
i want so badly to find my way out of this mess that i keep wandering deeper into.
i will overcome this. but in the meantime, i wait.
I’m still not entirely sure what I believe, but I know for a fact that the beauty of this song gives me chills every time I hear it.
Do you ever get the feeling that you are actually just the shell of yourself? That the appearance is up, but the content is vague? That there is not as much existance of yourself as you think there is?
Lately I’ve been feeling like there are holes in me. They’re in my mind. They’re in my heart. They’re in my soul. Holes. Glitches. Everywhere. They’re thinning out my self concepts. I don’t know who I am anymore.
I think I’m stuck in a rut… I’m losing touch of the things I hold dearest to my heart. It’s truly devastating. I recognize the people, the ideas, the standards, the things that I’m supposed to care about. But as hard as I try, I just can’t seem to have a heart for them. I’m not entirely sure if I’ve lost interest, or I’m stressed, or just plain out bored with my life. I’m ready for adventure….
